Do likewise

This week, also through thinking about the Scripture John 10, I learned what it meant to clearly present a message when I studied “voicing” with my piano teacher. When I was asked to play a piece of music, it seems like the main theme came out richer, clearer, and more communicative when I play according to the score, without adding any addition of my own =) I was encouraged to "speak only as the Word was received", "live accordingly to the Way that I was taught" and "do likewise" following Jesus’ example.

Let the music, let my living...speak for themselves.

...as spoken...

After piano class with David - after playing Rachmaninoff - an epiphany

A clear message I received, I present
not based out of my own interpretation, or intelligence
a clean, clear message

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in my study, I learn that if I am not able to position myself, I'll be shaken very easily. so I must stand firm in the Word that I receive, and live it out - not my own edition of the message

"do likewise"
"live accordingly"
"speak as received"

position myself either in humility or with great pride
thinking about my own motive or for the benefits of others

these will be my choices to make! so what will I do?

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As I am learning to put on my new self, I learn all over again, how to listen, how to speak, and how to present - This requires great attention, concentration and focus; and this is where perseverance will come in.

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there could be many things going on simultaneously in the music, harmonizing etc. but there is one clear voice that will stand out. - a simple, clear voice

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The ability to segregate the differences voices in a piece of music, help me to stay calm, and use my head rather than relying solely on emotion :)

yep

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this week is a week of Grace - there are lots of things going on at shcool and yeah, the bonding with my schoolmates is quite interesting - we do need one another.

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From Nodame Cantabile -
"Make performances that take people by the heart!"

The lonely road

Today chapel's topic is on "the lonely road" - Eugene Peterson's conference day. Although I didn't attend the conference, I got to listen to a sister who shared her own experience in the chapel.

depression, feelings of isolation, attack, hurts that go on in the church...afterall, it's not so uncommon; and yeah, I don't feel as lonely anymore because many people travel on the same path - those feelings are valid, but we are not isolated - there are people out there who do understand, and even more so, they need our support. hm...

hymn of the day:
You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all

Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Holy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name (x2)

Taking my cross my sin my shame
Raising again I bless Your name
You are my all in all

When I fall down You pick me up
When I run dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

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Yeah, I don't handle stress very well, when I'm stress, I go crazy. (gotta make note of this) hm...and...yeah, I can't go against my nature too....when I don't sing, or when I don't laugh.....there must be something going on...hm.....(I think this is a new realization)

OK....
day 2 - present for my brother

happy birthday

day 1 present for my brother :)

feeling extremely unworthy and unqualified

in midst of these feelings...

I'll work hard in my study
focus
and follow when you want me to go and when you want me to stop

this is my conviction

unlearn things, but...One flock, One Shepherd

yes...I will be unlearning many things that I had previously learned, and my assumed way of being right.

yes - not that I've lost complete self-confidence, but on the contrary, this is the beginning of real confidence because.... I don't know, this journey has been really long

sometimes I forget all the happy, wonderful times, and dwell only in the negatives -
it's those time that I tend to neglect and ignore

I do ... never admit or recognized in the past that I was depressed...but yes, I think I was eaten up alive by depression before, and I just never recognized it

Not facing my depression causes tremendous harm and hurting people that I love most and loved me most.

And the result is just more guilt, agony and shame

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I think one benefit of being with healthy people is that I'm unconsciously under their influence.
what else can I say about my girl's cell group - other than - it's extremely ordinary yet profound - because we talk about our deepest frustration, including humiliation; we talk about relationship and wedding engagement; and we talk about family, and extended family

and through all these, there're tears and laughter.

And SO MANY TIMES, that I'd still doubt my friendship with them (and of course there are reasons why I'd doubt) and at those times, when I felt all isolated, as if I'm on an island that nobody would understand - I went back to my deeply depressed mode...

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I felt extremely extremely awful that I have hurt that person I love most, and loved me most over and over again - it's like an endless cycle

And the reason was? Pride - Self-centeredness - Greed - Lust - my defensiveness - and worst of all imbalance

So easily irritated in those times -
"always very gentle, but don't step on my toes, otherwise, there will be a wild outburst?"

The only way to change this...will never be something that I can strive to change or work harder on

The only way to change this ... is to fall back into His Grace (Psalm 1) and remember that.... If I live, it's by His Grace; If I die, it'll also His Grace

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yeah....I don't know - If my birthday this year, is intentionally teaching me how to die to my old self

I'll start learning to stop trusting myself so much, but unlearn my old way...yeah.... you ready? Unlearn the old things and take up the new self
b/c the old way just doesn't work

I'll learn to not over estimate myself too....hey, I need pop music, I need movies, and most important of all, I need friends - Friends, genuine friends who mutually support and share - not all those one sided relationship where I just give, and never dare to receive!

Willingness to receive - this is crazy - I was so spoiled to a point that I used to only receive, then I float to another extreme of Only giving....

now.....am I ready to both receive and give? and not over estimate myself and float again back in the river of love (although I am still haunted by the damage that I have caused, it's So damaged, So damaged...and I doubt if this is not beyond repair ... sigh!)

How deep is the love of Christ? I haven't yet fathomed
How can I serve the people best? I will never know what's really good for them, because I am not God, the only thing that I can do...is to follow Christ on my own journey
Is it time to take up my cross and follow Christ? I think so

Kaarina's Bible study -
"When he has brought out all his own, he goes ahead of them, and the sheep follow him because they know his voice."
I don't have to be all smart, but just to follow the shepherd, who walk in front of me. He walks, and I follow
it may be a very long long long walk (Psalm 23) - but He will lead me out onto the pasture
The shepherd always count his sheep

He leads, and I follow - He'll lead me out of the pen - sometimes to the cliff - but He will always always lead me to the pasture

I must
stay with the flock
and
Recongize His voice

jennie's music page
Joyce's insight
Wendy's gentle perseverance and wisdom
Salina's wittiness and wisdom
Jen's maturity ('tho she's the youngest)
Kathy's loving
Elizabeth's organization
Hannah's precision and kindness
Regine - hm....what's my trait :)
Jaz's artsy writing and thoughtfulness
Kaarina :) - the voice :) who follow the Shepherd

hm.....
yeah...

one flock, One Shepherd

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won't over-estimate myself
"live a life, worthy of the calling you've received, be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love and make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

I'll follow ...

I'm in this world, but not of the world.

starting anew

I've taken the time to mourn for the "missing forever part"; and it's time to start anew :)